“Shouldn’t You Be Better By Now?”: Rethinking Expectations in Therapy
When someone begins therapy, it’s natural for both the client and their loved ones to wonder: “Is it working?” “Shouldn’t you feel better by now?” “Are you even trying hard enough?”
These questions often come from a place of concern—but for the person in therapy, they can feel like sharp waves crashing against already fragile ground. I hear this from both my teenage and adult clients: family members question why they’re still anxious, why the depression hasn’t lifted, why they still struggle with focus or grief. Sometimes, clients even internalize these doubts themselves.
But here’s the truth: therapy is not a straight line. Healing often looks messy, nonlinear and, at times, more painful before it gets better. Just because you still see symptoms doesn’t mean progress isn’t happening.
Why Progress Doesn’t Always Look Like Progress
Think of therapy like repairing a ship that’s been battered by storms. You can patch one leak, but another may spring up when the hull shifts. If we only slap a quick patch over the cracks, the vessel may keep taking on water. True healing means strengthening the foundation so the ship can stay steady—not just plugging holes as they appear.
Neuroscience tells us that lasting change requires repetition, safety, and trust. The brain literally rewires over time through the therapeutic process and this process that doesn’t happen overnight. Often, when deep work is happening (like revisiting trauma or untangling long-held patterns), symptoms can actually flare before they settle. That’s not failure—that’s part of the repair.
Managing Expectations: For Clients
If you’re in therapy and carrying the weight of others’ expectations (or your own), here are a few anchors to hold onto:
Remember, your journey is yours. Healing timelines aren’t one-size-fits-all. What takes one person weeks may take another months or years, depending on history, circumstances, and support.
Look for subtle shifts. Progress isn’t always dramatic. It might show up as pausing before reacting, sleeping slightly better, or having a day with more laughter than tears.
Communicate openly. If you feel pressure from family or friends, bring it into session. Naming these stressors allows space for validation and for practicing how to set boundaries.
Give yourself credit. Therapy is courageous work. Every time you show up (especially on the hard days) you are actively engaging in change.
Managing Expectations: For Support People
If someone you love is in therapy, your perspective and patience matter more than you know. Here’s how to support without unintentionally adding pressure:
Resist the stopwatch. Healing isn’t about speed—it’s about depth. Avoid measuring your loved one’s progress against your timeline.
Acknowledge effort, not just outcomes. Celebrate the courage it takes to show up, rather than focusing only on observable symptom reduction.
Educate yourself. Learn about the therapy process. Understand that setbacks, emotional fatigue, and even symptom flare-ups can be signs of meaningful work unfolding.
Be a safe harbor. Offer listening, empathy, and unconditional presence. Sometimes the greatest gift is simply reminding them they don’t have to navigate this alone.
The Timeline of Therapy: A Journey, Not a Quick Fix
Therapy is less like a sprint and more like a gradual process of growth. There will be stretches of ease and stretches of challenge, times of momentum and times of setback. Some clients may find meaningful change after just a few sessions, while others need longer-term support. Neither path is wrong—both are valid.
Often, the reasons people begin therapy are not the same reasons they continue. A client may start with anxiety, grief, conflict, or a sense of being stuck, only to find that once they begin exploring, other layers rise to the surface. What brings someone into therapy may be the tip of the iceberg, while deeper work emerges as trust and insight develop.
For example, a person may initially come in simply wanting to better identify their emotions. Once they gain that skill, the next step may be learning how to cope with and regulate those feelings. As that becomes more natural, the work might shift toward communication and advocating for needs. From there, it often expands into setting and maintaining healthy boundaries. Each step reveals the next, creating a process that unfolds over time.
This is the natural rhythm of therapy—it is not linear, but cyclical. Each stage of progress lays the groundwork for new discoveries and challenges. This doesn’t mean therapy isn’t “working”; it means it is doing exactly what it is supposed to—helping you build greater self-awareness, resilience, and healthier ways of relating to yourself and others.
The true aim of therapy is not just symptom relief, but the building of lifelong tools, insights, and relationships—with yourself and with others—that endure far beyond the therapy room.
How Anchor Point Can Help
At Anchor Point Behavioral Health, we understand that therapy is not a quick fix. It is a process that evolves with you—meeting your immediate needs while also addressing the deeper patterns, histories, and challenges that shape your present.
Our role is to provide a safe, supportive space where you can not only find relief from what brought you in but also continue growing into areas you may not have expected to explore. We know that healing takes time, patience, and courage. We are committed to walking alongside you through each stage.
Therapy is not about “getting better” on someone else’s timeline. It’s about developing the awareness, skills, and resilience that will support you in creating meaningful and sustainable change.