Understanding Grief: The Myths We’re Told, The Waves We Weather
I have known grief as both a storm and a whisper.
At its fiercest, grief was a relentless set of waves, crashing before I could catch my breath. Leaving me tossed, disoriented, unable to find my footing, the world blurring around me. It was unrelenting, dizzying, and there was no way to step out until it washed back out to sea. Those days felt violent in their force. The kind of grief you can’t hide.
Other times, grief was silent— stealthy, even. It crept into ordinary moments: driving in the car, brushing my teeth, sitting at a red light. Grief, I’ve learned, is both the crashing wave and the still undertow. And whether it roars or whispers, grief leaves its mark. It reshapes the way we move through the world, coloring our days with both aches of absence and echoes of love.
Sitting with my own grief has given me a deeper reverence for the privilege of sitting beside others in theirs. I have seen the same unpredictable rhythms play out in the people I work with— the days when grief is too heavy to hide and the days when it quietly shadows their every step. Bearing witness to these moments has taught me that while each person’s grief is uniquely their own, the undercurrent of love and loss is something profoundly human that connects us all.
While our culture often urges us to “move on” or “find closure,” the truth is that grief is not something we get over. It is something we learn to live with, integrate, and carry in a way that honors both the person we’ve lost and the life we are still living.
Myths We’re Told About Grief
Authors like Megan Devine (It’s OK That You’re Not OK) and Joanne Cacciatore (Bearing the Unbearable; Grieving is Loving) are two of my personal favorites when it comes to navigating grief. Devine challenges the cultural myths that surround grief. She reminds us that we cannot “fix” grief for ourselves or others, and that well-meaning platitudes often create more isolation. Healing begins when we allow grief to be what it is— messy, unpredictable, and deeply personal. Below are some of the most persistent myths and the truths that can transform how we understand them.
Myth: “You’ll get over it.”
Truth: We don’t “get over” grief—we learn to live alongside it. Grief is not a chapter we close; it becomes PART of the story we carry. Over time, its edges may soften, but the love that created it remains. We learn to weave it into our days through our memories, our rituals, and the quiet ways we honor what was lost. The love doesn’t end, and neither does the relationship we have with the person (or pet!) we lost.
Myth: “Time heals all wounds."
Truth: Time changes our relationship with grief, but it doesn’t erase it. As Joanne Cacciatore writes in Bearing the Unbearable, it’s not the clock that heals us, but the ways we integrate loss into our daily living.
Myth: “You have to be strong.”
Truth: Grief is not a performance of strength— it’s a raw, human expression of love. Feeling the pain, alongside the love, is not weakness. Crying, resting, expressing anger, or asking for help are all part of grieving authentically. Real strength lies in allowing yourself to feel, not in masking the ache.
Myth: “I don’t want to bring up the loss because I don’t want to upset you.”
Truth: Speaking about the person you’ve lost can bring comfort, connection, and validation. Silence can feel like erasure. As Joanna Rowland illustrates in The Memory Box, telling stories and sharing memories can keep a loved one’s presence alive. Asking about them or recalling a shared moment can be a gift, affirming that their life—and their absence— matters.
Myth: “Children are too young to understand.”
Truth: Children grieve too— just differently. Gentle, age-appropriate stories help them process and keep memories alive. The Invisible String, The Memory Box, and The Memory Tree, are some of my favorite resources for kids. These works offer metaphors like an unbreakable string of love or a tree filled with memories to give children language and imagery to understand loss. Including children in remembrance rituals, answering their questions honestly, and offering creative outlets to express feelings can help them feel safe and supported in their grief. As adults, we can facilitate ways to help children understand that love and connection can continue beyond physical presence.
The Many Faces of Grief
Grief does not belong to death alone. In fact, it can follow any rupture in a relationship, identity, or sense of safety — moments where something deeply valued is lost or forever altered. Some forms of grief are widely recognized and openly mourned, while others live in the shadows, overlooked or misunderstood. Yet each carries a weight that deserves acknowledgment. When we name these varied expressions of grief, we give ourselves and others permission to feel them without shame.
Understanding that grief can take many shapes, allows us to recognize it in places we might have overlooked— in the quiet, complicated spaces of life where loss doesn’t always come with a funeral or a clear ending. These forms of grief are just as real, and just as deserving of compassion, as those we more readily name. Among them are…
Ambiguous Loss— A loss that remains unclear or without closure. This may look like caring for a partner with dementia, where their body is present but the shared history and personality seem to fade. It can also be the ache of a parent whose child struggles with addiction— physically nearby but emotionally unreachable. In these situations, grief lingers in the uncertainty, with no clear “end” to mourn.
Identity Loss— When a major life transition disrupts how we see ourselves. Divorce can shift someone from “partner” to “single” overnight. A chronic illness can transform a once-active athlete into someone navigating daily limitations. Parenthood can bring joy and belonging while simultaneously erasing the version of oneself that felt free and self-directed. These changes can feel like losing the mirror that once reflected who they once were.
Grief from Failed Expectations— The sorrow of dreams that never materialized. This may be the heartbreak of infertility or miscarriage, the sting of gender disappointment when expectations and reality diverge, or the quiet mourning that comes when a long-hoped-for career opportunity falls through. These griefs are often disenfranchised— minimized by others because “nothing tangible” was lost, yet the emotional reality is still profound.
Relational Grief— The pain of a meaningful connection that was severed without death. This could be the end of a decades-long friendship, a breakup that reshapes daily life, or estrangement from a parent or sibling. Unlike bereavement, relational grief often lacks communal rituals for processing the loss, leaving the person to carry it alone. The absence can be especially sharp in moments when you instinctively reach out— only to remember that bridge has been burned or door has been closed.
When we recognize these diverse faces of grief, we allow space for compassion in places where it’s often minimized or absent. Every loss, whether clear or complicated, deserves to be honored as part of the human experience.
When and Where Grief Finds Us
Grief doesn’t always announce itself with ceremony or clarity. It can slip into the ordinary moments, weaving itself into the edges of daily life, or arrive like a sudden storm that takes your breath away. It shows up in places both expected and unimaginable— reminders that loss can find us anywhere, at any time.
It can arrive…
in a hotel bathroom, after years of seeing only one line on the test.
when you’re passed over for the promotion you’ve devoted your career to.
in the empty space where your pet’s bed used to be.
while packing up boxes in the home you thought you’d grow old in.
when you’re asked, “How many children do you have?”
in the hospital waiting room when the doctor says, “We’ve done all we can.”
at the airport, watching someone you love walk away for the last time.
when the person who once spoke your name with love no longer remembers who you are
in the ultrasound room, when the tech quietly leaves to “get the doctor.”
when your child calls someone else “Mom” or “Dad.”
in the audience, watching your peers cross the stage you trained for but never reached.
on a random Tuesday, triggered by a scent you haven’t smelled since childhood.
when the birthday phone call you’ve been waiting for never comes.
in the middle of the night, when you reach for a hand that’s no longer there.
The Emotional and Physical Impact of Grief
Grief is not only an emotional experience— it is a whole-body experience. It changes the way we think, feel, move, and exist in the world. Research shows that the brain doesn’t distinguish much between emotional and physical pain and that both activate similar neural pathways. This is why grief can feel so heavy in the body, not just in the heart.
Emotionally, grief can bring waves of sadness, anger, guilt, anxiety, or numbness. Concentration becomes harder, decision-making feels more draining, and small tasks can seem monumental or insurmountable. It’s not uncommon to feel disoriented— as if the world is moving at a pace you can’t keep up with.
Physically, grief may cause fatigue, headaches, muscle tension, digestive changes, chest tightness, or disrupted sleep. Some people describe a “hollowness” in their chest, a lump in their throat that doesn’t go away, or a persistent restlessness in the body. Grief can also increase a person’s vulnerability to illness. These responses are the nervous system’s way of processing the perceived threat of loss, often shifting between hyper-alertness and deep exhaustion.
As Bessel van der Kolk reminds us in The Body Keeps the Score, our stories are not only carried in our minds but in our muscles, our breath, and our very physiology.
Recognizing the physical and emotional layers of grief helps us understand why healing requires more than just “moving on.” It calls for gentleness toward both mind and body— rest without guilt, nourishment without pressure, and support that meets us exactly where we are.
Healthy Ways to Live Alongside Grief
Grief doesn’t follow a schedule, and it doesn’t respond to quick fixes. But there are ways to create a life that holds both your loss and your continued living. These aren’t about “getting over it”— they’re about making space for grief while allowing joy, connection, and meaning to return in their own time.
1. Create Rituals of Remembrance
Rituals give structure to grief and help us maintain connection. This might be lighting a candle on anniversaries, visiting a meaningful place, cooking a loved one’s favorite meal, or creating a photo album. These acts can become anchors in the calendar— reminders that it’s okay to pause and honor what was.
2. Keep Their Story Alive
Telling stories, sharing memories, and speaking a loved one’s name keeps their presence woven into everyday life. For children, this might be as simple as drawing pictures together or reading books like The Invisible String or The Memory Box. For adults, it could be gathering friends to share stories or writing letters to the person you lost.
3. Care for the Body as Well as the Heart
Because grief is carried physically as well as emotionally, movement, rest, and nourishment matter. Gentle activities like walking, yoga, or stretching can help release tension. Adequate rest, even if it means shorter naps or quiet time, allows the nervous system to recover. Eating regularly supports both mood and energy, even when appetite is low.
4. Find a Safe Place for Your Feelings
Whether through therapy, a grief support group, or trusted friends, having a place where your emotions are met without judgment is essential. Trauma-informed approaches like EMDR can help integrate painful memories in a way that reduces overwhelm while honoring the meaning they hold.
5. Give Yourself Permission to Feel Without Timelines
Healing from grief isn’t about reaching a finish line. There will be days when the grief feels lighter, and days when it surges again without warning. Allowing yourself to move between these states without guilt is part of living with loss.
How Anchor Point Can Help
At Anchor Point Behavioral Health, we meet you exactly where you are, without timelines or expectations, holding space for both your sorrow and your strength. Our role is not to rush you toward closure, but to walk alongside you as you navigate the shifting tides of loss.
Whether your grief is fresh and raw, resurfacing after years, or woven into other life transitions, we bring both expertise and compassion to the process. We integrate approaches like EMDR, narrative therapy, and somatic practices to help you process painful memories while keeping your connection to what matters most. For families, we provide a safe space for children to grieve in ways that make sense to them— using stories, art, music, and play as their language.
Grief is a deeply personal journey, but you don’t have to navigate it alone. Together, we can create space for remembrance, for healing, and for the possibility of joy to return— in your time, and in your way.