The Pressure to Feel Grateful: Why Gratitude and Struggle Can Exist Together
But You Have So Much To Be Grateful For!
I think we’ve probably all heard it before: “Oh, other people have it way worse than you!” or, “Well, at least it isn’t as bad as [insert example of someone else’s situation here].” Or maybe it’s messages you’ve heard from yourself: “I have no right to complain,” “I should be grateful; I could have it so much worse,” or “other people are much worse off than me, so I shouldn’t feel this way.”
Often, people find themselves caught between knowing they are fortunate and still feeling overwhelmed, sad, disappointed, angry, lonely, or completely exhausted. We can fall into the trap of judging ourselves for not feeling 100% grateful 100% of the time, as though experiencing difficult emotions somehow means we aren’t appreciative of the good things in our lives.
I want to start by introducing the idea that two things can be true at the same time. You can be grateful AND overwhelmed. You can be grateful AND sad. You can be grateful AND struggling. Gratitude is a perspective, but it is also a normal human emotion, and it doesn’t have to exist in isolation from the other emotions we experience. Feeling grateful and feeling another emotion are not mutually exclusive; they can exist together, in tandem.
Somewhere along the way, we’ve moved into this space where practicing gratitude can feel synonymous with having to be happy alllllll of the time. I want to talk about the importance of bringing gratitude back to its foundations, untangling the connection we’ve created between gratitude and happiness, and making room for the reality that gratitude and struggle can coexist.
Because gratitude does not cancel out someone’s struggle, and someone’s struggle does not mean they are ungrateful.
When Gratitude Becomes a Requirement
“At least you have a healthy baby.”
“You wanted this pregnancy.”
“You should just be happy you got pregnant.”
“You have a good marriage. Don’t focus on the hard parts.”
“You have a job, a home, a family. What more could you want?”
“Other people would love to have your problems.”
I think we’ve all heard some rendition of one of these statements before. And, more often than not, they’re well-meaning. The person saying them is usually trying to provide some type of perspective or remind us of the things we have to be grateful for. But I’ve never heard even a single person tell me that hearing one of these statements actually made them feel better.
The problem is that these statements can be incredibly invalidating. They can send the message, “Your difficult feelings aren’t allowed here.”
They also tend to look at gratitude as though it exists in a one-dimensional way. If you’re grateful for having a healthy baby, then you shouldn’t be struggling with parenthood. If you’re grateful to be pregnant, then you shouldn’t be miserable. If you’re grateful for your marriage, then you shouldn’t be frustrated with your partner. If you’re grateful for your home, your job, or your family, then you shouldn’t have anything to complain about.
The deeper message these statements convey is that you cannot be grateful for something while also struggling with it.
But the truth is, almost nothing in this world is that black and white.
You can be grateful for having a healthy baby and still be so sleep-deprived that you want to cry.
You can be grateful for being pregnant after years of struggling to conceive and still feel miserable with morning sickness.
You can be grateful for your marriage and still feel frustrated by how the relationship has changed since having kids.
You can be grateful for your job and still feel burned out.
You can be grateful for your family and still need some space from them.
No one facet of our lives or circumstances has to exist in isolation. We don’t have to choose between gratitude and struggle. It doesn’t have to be EITHER / OR.
It can be, and often is, AND / ALSO.
Gratitude vs. Toxic Positivity
I think somewhere along the way, the idea of gratitude got transformed into a toxic positivity movement. Rather than reminding ourselves of the things in our lives that we appreciate, it has somehow become, “Because there are things I appreciate, I’m not allowed to be struggling or feeling badly.”
I want to be so clear here: That is NOT what gratitude is supposed to be!!
Gratitude is taking the time to acknowledge that there are things in our lives we appreciate, value, and love, even while things are hard. It doesn’t require us to ignore the hard parts or pretend that they don’t exist. Remember… two things can be true at once.
I’ve found in my clinical work that so many people actually cringe at the idea of starting or working on a gratitude practice because gratitude has become synonymous with suppressing difficult emotions, avoiding uncomfortable conversations, minimizing legitimately painful experiences, discouraging people from asking for help, or creating shame around very normal emotional experiences.
And I get it. If your understanding of gratitude is that you’re supposed to look at the good things in your life and use them as a reason to stop feeling whatever else you’re feeling, of course the idea of a “gratitude practice” isn’t going to feel particularly appealing.
But gratitude is not the problem. The problem is the way gratitude has been distorted from what it actually is at its core. The problem is the pressure to use gratitude to override, minimize, or ignore very normal and legitimate emotions.
Forcing ourselves to completely disregard the difficult and raw emotions we’re experiencing in order to focus only on the positive ones isn’t healthy, effective, or sustainable. We don’t become more grateful by pretending the hard things aren’t hard. We become more emotionally honest when we can make room for all of it.
Gratitude Doesn't Require Denial
Practicing gratitude doesn’t mean denying what you’re currently struggling with. It doesn’t mean having to pretend everything is okay, focusing only on the positive, finding a silver lining, minimizing disappointment, or forcing yourself to feel thankful. Gratitude can, and needs to, coexist with honesty about our very human experiences.
“I’m grateful for my family, and I am so exhausted.”
“I’m so grateful to be a parent, and this is way harder than I expected.”
“I’m grateful things worked out the way they did, and I still have complicated feelings about what I went through.”
The “and” is so important.
Because two conflicting emotions can exist together, at the same time. We don’t have to choose one and discard the other. Gratitude is about practicing the ability to recognize both. It’s recognizing that life is not black and white. There is not total struggle or total perfection. There is space for both to exist at the same time: the struggle and the beauty, the disappointment and the joy, the exhaustion and the gratitude.
Gratitude can help us acknowledge the good without requiring us to ignore the hard. It gives us an opportunity to hold the whole picture, to recognize what is beautiful and what is difficult, rather than getting completely lost or hyperfocused on either one.
What If You Don't Feel Grateful Right Now?
Then that’s okay, too.
The goal is not to feel 100% grateful 100% of the time (that is simply not realistic for any human being). Sometimes we feel hurt, disappointed, angry, sad, exhausted, or like we really wish things were different. Those feelings don’t need to be completely and totally transformed into feelings of gratitude. It is important to create space for those more difficult emotions and allow ourselves to actually experience them.
Gratitude is not meant to erase those feelings. It is a tool that can help us cope with some of the really hard and raw emotions we experience. Sometimes gratitude can act as a light in the storm, not making the storm disappear, but helping us find our way through it.
And sometimes, the most honest thing we can say is simply, “this is really hard right now.” There doesn’t have to be a lesson or a silver lining. We can acknowledge what hurts, make space for what we’re feeling, and trust that gratitude can find its way back in when we’re ready.
How to Practice Gratitude Without Invalidating Yourself
So, how can we practice gratitude the way it’s actually meant to be practiced, while steering away from toxic positivity? Here are a few tips to help you start a more emotionally honest gratitude practice.
Try Some Substitutions
Sometimes, changing the way we talk to ourselves can help us create space for both gratitude and difficult emotions.
“I should be grateful.” → “What am I feeling right now?”
“Other people have it worse.” → “My experience is still worth acknowledging.”
“I have no reason to feel this way.” → “Feelings don’t always require a reason or justification.”
“I need to focus on the positive.” → “Can I notice what’s good without ignoring what’s hard?”
“I should be able to handle this.” → “What support would make this feel more manageable?”
Try a Both/And Practice
Instead of only writing down what you are grateful for, try expanding your gratitude practice in a way that helps you become more emotionally aware of everything you’re experiencing. The goal isn’t to use gratitude to replace difficult emotions or experiences, but to practice making space for all of them.
Try asking yourself:
What is something I am currently grateful for?
What is something that’s feeling hard right now?
What am I feeling right now?
What do I need right now?
How can I show myself some love and compassion?
Remember, the goal isn’t to end your practice with a perfectly positive outlook. The goal is to check in with yourself honestly, acknowledge what is good, make space for what is hard, and remind yourself that both can exist at the same time.
You Don't Have to Choose
If you take anything away from this, please let it be this: you do not have to choose between acknowledging what you are grateful for and acknowledging what is currently hard. Two things can be true at the same time. You can say, “I’m grateful and this is hard.”
You can love your life and still need help within it.
You can appreciate what you have and grieve what you don’t.
You can recognize your privilege and still acknowledge your pain.
You can be grateful for where you are while wishing parts of your experience had been different.
Gratitude can exist alongside our struggles. And our struggles can exist alongside gratitude. You do not have to earn the right to struggle by having it worse than someone else. Your feelings don’t need to compete with one another (or with someone else’s) in order to be valid.
Sometimes, the most honest form of gratitude is simply acknowledging your humanness and being honest about what you’re feeling: both the light and the heavy, the beautiful and the difficult, the gratitude and the struggle.
You don’t have to choose one or the other.
When Struggling Might Mean You Need More Support
As human beings, we are so emotionally complex, and it is completely normal to experience a wide range of emotions throughout our lives. Sometimes, though, difficult emotions become persistent or begin to interfere with our daily lives. If you notice that you’ve been struggling more than usual or that your emotions are becoming difficult to manage on your own, it may be a good time to reach out for some extra support.
Persistent feelings of sadness or anxiety, significant irritability or anger, feeling emotionally numb, withdrawing from friends and loved ones, having difficulty getting through the day, feeling hopeless, experiencing intrusive or distressing thoughts, or feeling unable to cope may all be signals that additional support could be helpful.
It is okay to ask for help. In fact, reaching out for support is a brave and courageous decision. You don’t have to wait until you’re completely overwhelmed or at a breaking point to deserve support.
Major life transitions like pregnancy, postpartum, grief, infertility, reproductive experiences, and relationship difficulties can stir up raw emotions that can be especially difficult to navigate. Struggle, in all of its forms, deserves support and compassion, not guilt and shame.
If you feel like you could use additional support, please know that the clinicians at Anchor Point are here to walk alongside you. You don’t have to navigate it all on your own. The first step is reaching out, and we’re ready when you are.
With warmth & compassion,
Michelle at Anchor Point